WIDOW

THIS THING CALLED NOW

Maybe what we had was a before-life,

Because what I have now is called a life, but it is an after-us.

I don't know where we are or when.

I prefer fiction.

I prefer being the writer, the omnipotent narrator who sees all.

This now, this story I'm working on, it isn't working.

I can't hear the voice or point-of-view since you disappeared.

I want a coffee with you.

"So, what's the after-life like for you?" I would say.

And you would give me a mind-blowing answer that would make sense of everything.

"I dreamed about you being happy and meeting new people.

I like to think of you being happy, resting in peace," I say.

You smile.

"Can I be happy?"

You smile again.

"Seriously. Would it be OK if I met someone new?

Or is that bad taste? And do you have a sense of timeline on this?

I want to honor you and us, and somehow live in the now.

How do I make you, me, and us happy now?

We promised to be together until death did us part.

We kept that promise and all the others.

I never imagined an after-life guy, except now I almost do.

I think I want one. Is that OK with you?

I want one sooner rather than later.

Until death do us part.

What does that even mean?

Death happened and I'm still here with a heart full of you.

We have officially parted.: Social Security said so.

A parting sounds so unforced. That's not at all what happened.

We had a forced divorce. We had a tearing apart without a goodbye.

So I sit alone and write draft after draft.

You understand:

I'm doing the rewrite from hell.

Inside Out

A STANDING START

A Tuesday morning

A 10 am phone call

A heart attack

Can he speak?

No

Later,
35 minutes later,

Another phone call,

A different stranger.

Yes, I'm sitting down.

He died.

He died at 10:32.

It wasn't possible

Not then, not now

My college boyfriend

The father of our boys

The man who loves my dog as much as I do, maybe more,

is dead.

He'll never walk towards me again.

I learn to walk this world without him

Not alone, but without him.

How?

I stand up each day:

A standing start helps.